I think every fiber of my being was in complete orchestra mode as they prepped me for yet ANOTER GI procedure. I used to be able to get through those things with no problem, but as I have learned to value myself more, I find myself like a normal person and don’t want to be taken off the planet…yet anyway.
It has been a journey, finding and wanting to stay alive on this planet, but not only stay alive, but to THRIVE. So this procedure yesterday was largely inconvenient and had every nerve in my body firing off at the same time.
Trying to act brave, I just shook my head when they asked questions, because I knew if I were to talk I would lose it. I was scared to death. Scared of the unknown, and of course, thinking about all of the things that led me to having to be under constant monitoring by doctors anyway.
One of the nurses must have noticed that I was scared. She came around to the opposite side of the bed and started rubbing my arm, and telling me “the hardest part of this was getting here, we do this all the time, we are going to take good care of you”. As soon as she started doing that (and of course putting in medicine into my iv) I was flushed with what must be as close as you can get to perfect peace. The nerves stopped in their tracks, I couldn’t worry about what was going to happen, all was well.
I have struggled on how to end this series on Peace, because I don’t feel like I have learned enough yet. And maybe that is the perfect reason to close it. What yesterday reminded me of is all of the times I have gotten through life, and look back later and am rendered completely in awe of how I got from point A to point B. It is remarkable and some would argue “it passes all understanding”.
I am reminded of the popular poem “Footprints” where the story of Jesus and a man are walking along the beach and suddenly the man only sees one set of footprints. When he asks Jesus where the other set are, Jesus simply answers: “it is then that I carried you”. I look back on traumatic events of my life and even how the last decade has been and I see lots of single footprint stretches of the beach. When I try to articulate how I got through those early days after my divorce, I can only say to you “I don’t know because I didn’t walk it”.
I will tell you that I was way too traumatized to pick up a book on peace or the right kind of juice at the store for that matter. I didn’t ask Him to carry me, I didn’t ask Him to give me providential amnesia, but He did. And I believe that is because of the prayers of others on my behalf. Praying for peace is the kindest thing you can do for another person. Because when you have “peace that passes all understanding” there is this beautiful opportunity to have an audience with your one true King. He wants that so badly for us, yet we forget, get tired, give up, or simply believed we have used up all of our chips with God, except there isn’t a limit with Him, He promises to follow us all the days or our lives.
So as I fumble around this life, worrying about this, and fretting about that, I want to remember that precious promise in Is 26:3…”I will keep you in perfect peace because your mind is stayed on me; because you trust in me”.
How hard can it be? Hasn’t He proven Himself more than able? Yes, He absolutely has. And, yet, I still forget to keep my focus on Him, nothing else works without Him, life doesn’t work; relationships don’t work; NOTHING works. And when the bad news comes, the favor feels withheld, I am so fast to take the reins back from Him because He has not proven Himself faithful, and surely I can do better than Him.
Except I can’t, and I don’t want to. We have learned that Peace in the Bible, is pretty much the same no matter where you read it Quiet, without conflict, calmly happy. I have come to learn that Peace is a benefit to constantly abiding in Him, keeping my eyes set on Him, because nothing else matters. At All.
But there are days, I feel like maybe He is on to somebody else, and I take it all back, and fail miserably, feel miserable and then question if He is a loving God.
But, it is there, all I have to do is take it. And all the nerves will calm because His soft touch telling me the hardest part was getting to Him, and that He does this all the time, and that He is going to take good care of me.
If I could just stay THERE..
Thank you for those of you who have read this series on Peace, after the holidays we will move on to Hope.