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Serial Killers did not have to stop my heart to take my life. I wasn’t tall enough to see through the window of the prison room to watch my mom walk away. But just moments before, my older sister found me crouching in the corner, I refuse to lift my head to look at her. We were five and three respectfully and she was leaving me. There alone in the prison room. The day had finally come, my big sister. And I spent almost all of our time locked in that room in the musty apartment. I stayed in the corner when she left and I and I heard mom lock the door. And then I heard her in the kitchen making breakfast. I knew none of it was for me, and I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence in that room. Lisa told me that she would only be gone a few hours but felt like an eternity to me. My mom ate her breakfast and went about her day, I stayed in that corner. And my tears kept mixing with a dirt on the floor. My stomach told the story of sadness, and I had no interest in food. I only wanted my sister back. I knew I was safest in that locked room. And I hoped against hope that mom wouldn’t decide to unlock that door and let her husband come into the room and unleash his anger on me. I’d certainly endure that quite a few times in my short life. But never without my sister. I had no concept of time. And so I didn’t know what a few hours meant. But I would wait out whatever happened in those hours and soon enough, I would have my soulmate back with me. My sister found me there where she left me. She had saved a part of her school lunch for me, she pulled a plum out of her bag and handed it to me and said Here, eat this. She was incredibly maternal at five years old. And I relish that plum because of the sweet taste and the feelings of being loved that it brought with it. It was more than a piece of fruit. It was indicative of life outside of that prison room. Even though the hand we were dealt had already given us plenty of reasons to doubt that we could ever have a good life. We were both determined to try. Mom use that padlock as a babysitter. It was her way of separating us and our needs from her and her desires. She never wanted us around. And so we locked in that room a lot. And that was okay. Because most of the alternatives weren’t safe or good. Soon enough, though, it was my turn to go to kindergarten and life clicked along in that room, which became more of a comfort room. Occasionally, mom would hire people to babysit us almost always at the demands of Frank or stepfather. I hated him. My dad was already deceased, so he wasn’t an option for the times when my mom was simply sick of us being around her. Lisa’s dad was also already deceased. And so my mom would let whoever babysit us wherever with zero investigation and to those charged on our care. We were growing up fast and for the most part understood how to stay safe. We were always together and as long as Lisa was with me, I knew everything would be okay. And then for some reason mom started to send us to separate places. And that is when I met the serial killers. Sometimes if there are dishes in the kitchen sink I am transported back to the kitchen and Henry Lee Lucas and artists tool. Mom hired them to babysit me and they hired me to clean their house. I wasn’t even tall enough to reach the sink and so I stood on a stool and clean their dishes and hope they stay asleep. The dishes have been in the sink for days and the entire kitchen smelled a crusty food and dirty dishwater. It is a smell that so absolutely sends my brain into trauma mode because of all of the recorded memories of that day. And subsequent night. As soon as I finished the dishes, I sneaked outside where I saw other kids playing. I’d gotten used to ignoring windows and the prison room because not being able to play outside with other kids made me sad. I spent that day playing the neighborhood kids and for a short time forgot about a mom who didn’t want me. I can hear Henry calling my name and I recognize a slurring of speech is alcohol induced. But that was normal for me. We were around intoxicated people all the time. I followed as of his voice and I obeyed it too. And so when he instructed me to sleep in his room, I obeyed. I was asleep in his room where he instructed several other kids to sleep too. We were all very used to sleeping in strange places. And in some ways I was comforted by the other kids that were there. Finally Henry came into the Romans surrounded himself by the kids, but I was the one he wanted. And so I listened when he beckoned me near him.
After that night, I was no longer an innocent seven year A little girl. Dark and hot rooms still send me reeling in flashbacks take me prisoner. It doesn’t take much to remember. Even though I have tried everything to forget that night is the first time I understood it was seemingly me against the world. When he was done with me, I never went to sleep and I never moved. I knew that my tears would serve no purpose, and that I had no fight. But I was a monster slayer I had to fight. The next morning, I brush my teeth so hard that I spit blood into the sink, as scrote within an intensity that I hope would erase the memory of the abuse filled night to I stepped out into the bright sunny day, about 20 years older than the day I was before. My body hurt and that confused me. I was seven years old. And then that night, everything changed. But hope was waiting for me. And it started with a knock on the door.
Hey, everybody, and welcome back to a very special episode of The Wednesday’s with Watson podcast. Guys, we are two years old. And oh, what a journey it’s been. I open today with part of my story that I’ve never published anywhere, but submitted it to an agent for my manuscript. I knew one day that writing a book is in my future. But for now, I’ve decided to continue to get behind this microphone until you have the hope that is available to you. Because you see, when I started this podcast two years ago, I wanted to help people understand from a raw and real and experience perspective, the ills of trauma, PTSD, and all of its friends and how to fix it. So we are in season three, and I can hardly believe how much God has decided to do with this podcast. But even more than that, I really can’t believe that I needed this podcast probably a little bit more than you do. Had you asked me two years ago, what the goal of this podcast would be it would have been to reach a massive amount of people all across the world. So the words that come out of my mouth, may be able to help them. And I hope that is still true as we are listened to on all seven continents and 1000s of cities in this world. The last few years, we have seen 1000s and 1000s of downloads. And I am so humbled. Because you see when I started this podcast, I was thinking that if I threw some science at you and a little bit of my story that maybe you would know that you could make it to somewhere along the way, though it became really important to me remind you that you matter. Because the reality is, so many of us with trauma have resigned ourselves to the fact that we don’t matter. And that is a message ingrained in our brains to the highest order. I was in a restaurant just the other day. I was there during the off hours. And so I was sitting in the bar having some barbecue and a couple came in and sat down beside me. If you know me, you know I’ll talk to anybody and so I began talking to them. The lady was standoff was standoffish, and her main accent helped me understand that a little bit more. Having spent 10 summers in the northeast, I quickly learned that North Eastern people were built with some serious strong stock. And not much fazes them. I’m not sure how it came up. But she and I began to have this conversation and realize that we are both part of a tribe of domestic violence survivors as well as child abuse survivors. She kept saying the same words over and over to me. I don’t matter. I’m not important. I’m not good enough. I tried to get them to love me, but nothing works. She told me how her mom use religious terms and legalistic wall to harm her more as a child. I sat and listened closely. And she asked me a little bit more about what this podcast was all about. And suddenly I needed an elevator pitch that would get her to listen to the hope that we provide in this podcast without being triggered by what she deems as religious. I was long past my time to leave the restaurant. But I knew that moment was such a time as this. This was not a time to put my head down. It was not a time to hold my tongue. It was time to put my arm around the stranger and tell her that she matters. We exchanged phone numbers and I encouraged her to listen to at least the first episode ever of the podcast where I talk about my own healing. That doesn’t make sense. And if you’re new to the podcast, I would encourage you to do the same. I’ll put it in the show notes. I got in my car and looked in the rearview mirror and I saw tears just streaming down my face. How many more people are sitting in restaurants talking to strangers telling their stories about how they don’t matter. How many more don’t understand what to do when they have a flashback. How many people out there think what happened to you is your fault. Because she told me that and to be honest with you I’m in a season of life that is difficult. The podcasts complicates that a little bit. It is not easy to to write, record, edit, promote all the things that we have to do to get the messages into the earbuds or the people that need it. But the this work coupled with life, and the struggles that the very true fact that I do have PTSD, and sometimes forget that this is a journey that is difficult enough to make somebody quit. And I’m pretty much there. But then I’m reminded of my one of my favorite verses. Psalm 45. One, my heart is stirred by a noble theme. As I recite verses for my king. My tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. I am reminded of the day that I started this podcast when we were all in our homes for 14 days. In the spring of 2020, I lay out my hammock woken up into that April sky fully thinking that I had lost my livelihood, and audibly said out loud to the Lord, to God, what now.
And he reminded me of my friend who had been harassing me to start a podcast. This is not the kind of friend that harasses. And I was equally as resistant to the podcast as she was pushing me on it. I had no interest. But on that day, in April, as I looked into the sky, I absolutely knew that I had to start this podcast. Some will say that I probably do this podcast to avoid writing. Because the rumor is that I’m writing a memoir, and have been working on it for over a decade, I began this podcast and the cold open with the first five pages that garnered me agent interest. But you see, what I understood when I began to write these things is that my manuscript needs to heal. And so do I still. And here’s where you come in faithful Wednesday with watts listeners, you have been part of my healing journey over the past two years. Because you see, like I said, I started this podcast for you. But what it led me to is the necessity of taking care of my own pain. stewarding that pain, well, given it respect, and then providing access to help for you. And so that’s where we are. Right now, in the middle of season three of the Wednesdays with Watson podcasts. It’s not time to quit, not yet. Because there’s still so much for us all to learn. There’s so much more to heal. There’s so much to this community of people that have banded together some through this podcast, and have made decisions to take steps towards healing. Because you see many of us are not unlike that little version of Amy who tiptoed to see through that dirty window to see me live outside of that prison room. We’re all standing on our tippy toes, looking through a window trying to figure out what God is up to and what we could do to alleviate some of this pain. As I’m recording this, I’m recording this on the day that Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, we celebrate that day that that tomb was empty that that gray was robbed of Death, death did not win. And that, my friends is what the Wednesday’s with Watson podcast is about death does not win.
death does not win in our trauma or pain. And it hurts. Because you see, all of that suffering one day will pale in comparison to the glory that will be revealed. And as we see that in Romans 858. And so we will continue with the Wednesdays with Watson podcast. I’ll write a book one day, but I’m still healing and leaning into that star of the story. I’m lean into my community that he gave me and of course, continuing trauma informed counseling. If you’ve landed on this podcast for the first time, I would love it. If you would go back and listen to that first episode that I talked about healing that doesn’t make sense. We focus that whole first season on my story. The second season we focus on the stories of others. And this season, we have spent a fair amount of time speaking about the Enneagram and how it can help us understand how to process trauma based on how God made us in the back half here we are talking about trauma in the home and childhood abuse, and providing interviews and hope and help for all of the things. This one this this episode. This birthday episode is the 59th episode of The Wednesday’s with Watson podcasts. And I simply wanted to say thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for all the things and the past two years, not only have we accomplished 1000s and 1000s of downloads, but I have people in my purview that I get to mentor and now and now we’ve established scholarship funds for those who cannot afford counseling. We just awarded our first one in the spring of 2022. If you go back and listen to those early episodes, particularly one called hospitals and courtrooms, you will hear about my friend Cheryl rice. Cheryl has been instrumental in my healing for over a decade. She has been there for some of the most difficult times of my life. And she just stepped into her role that God called her to be an My community. So we are awarded the first scholarship and Cheryl’s name, as I mentioned in the spring of 2021. Because you see, it’s not just my goal to get behind the microphone and have you guys listen to me, but it is my goal to help people have access to help, whatever that looks like. For those of you who have been along this journey, you may not notice some growth and some healing. And just that statement alone, two years ago, I would have said, I want to help you. And I do want to help you. But as I as I leaned into those Enneagram episodes, and as I leaned into how God made me and what my core fears are, and how I am motivated, I understand that I have the propensity to help you to continue to avoid continuing to heal myself. And so my goal now is for you to have access to healing. Of course, the best access comes through the only way to eternal victory. to that place where we will see clearly through a window, it won’t be dingy like that room was, we won’t have to stand on our tippy toes. But we will see the clear goal of the star of the story who gave us access to him, he tore that veil on that day when that tomb was empty, and that access to help that we can have through the star of the story. If you don’t know Jesus as your personal Savior, and I know many of you are listening to this are probably mad at God. Don’t understand him. And you know what, that’s okay. Because as we celebrate on this day, I’m always reminded of the night before they took my Jesus to the cross, and reminded that his disciples his community fell asleep. They couldn’t even hang with him during his darkest hour. Our community will fail us sometimes two guys, but Jesus in the garden, the night before he died, his humanity and his humanity, he asked three times that the cup be passed from him. And then he died a gruesome death on the cross with some of his final words, if not his final words, being My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? How many of you ask that question, because you see, on this day, the entire Earth got dark? Is it dark for you today? If it is dark for you today, my prayer for you is that you will find some hope and help in the star of the story. I would love to be part of that for you. And if you would like to be introduced to the star of the story, who is Jesus, all the ways to contact me or on that contact me link at the very top of the show notes. There is a song that I love so much called Stand by Cutlass and there is a lyric in that song. And this is my goal. I’m going to stand, I’m going to stand. Even if I have to stand alone. I’m going to carry the torch and this dark world, even if I have to stand alone.
Happy birthday to the Wednesday’s with Watson podcast. And all the praise and glory be to the only one who made it possible. Bless it be the name of the star of the story. Jesus the way the truth of life the same yesterday today forever. Thank you to my community out there. Thank you to those who support me. Thank you to those who support the podcast. Thank you for those who pray for me. Thank you. For those who realize what an emotional sacrifice this can be in and hold me up. Thank you to friends like my friends Joy Tiffany, who makes sure that my electronics aren’t attached to me and just encourages me in the best ways to take care of myself. Special shout out to my producer Amy Highland who is my podcast producer who does a great job. Tremendous friend. And who pays this podcast and prayer. As always a special thanks to my people thank you to Chrissy law through Jewish think quite a few times behind this microphone with me and for continuing to be my Memory Keeper. Thank you to Rebecca millet who does many if not all of the graphics you see as we promote each episode. Thank you, thank you to those who have donated to the podcast, who have made it possible for us to continue through 2022. And continue to award three more pro bono counseling scholarships. Thank you to Christian podcasters Association and Eric Nevins who had the vision for a Christian podcast was Association. Thank you for all of you who have pushed me and continue to push me even when I want to quit. Thank you to Phil Baker who has song marked by you plays this out of the podcast. Thank you to Calvary Baptist Church and its ministry and for those of you who listen there and pray for this podcast, thank you to my friend for over 30 years, Amy Reed who does so many things behind the scene that allows me to continue to get behind the microphone. Thank you to Karissa Harrison, who is my integration coach and whose obedience to the teaching of the completed work of Jesus on the cross has been a game changer for me. Thank you. Thank you to Dr. Thomas, Cadet my counselor for over 10 years for your obedience of the council the whole word of God while yet understanding trauma and making your passion to be the best at what you do. Thank you. Thank you Every guest that has been on this podcast and every guest that will be on this podcast. And thank you, Jesus, the star of the story. Thank you for the knock on the door. That changed everything. Thank you for that bus ride. Thank you, Jesus for the cross. So guys, I’m not gonna quit. There will be a 60th episode here on the healings and we’ll be back in two weeks. Until you know what I’m gonna say. You you’re seeing you’re known. You’re heard, you’re loved and you’re valued you to each mean to
Unknown Speaker 20:44
you, to me more like us.
Transcribed by https://otter.a