I don’t think I really meant it when I said whatever you wanted was cool with me. I hate that everyday is a struggle and that most days is just about getting to the next.
Haven’t I done enough?
Haven’t I surrendered enough?
Haven’t I been hurt enough?
Haven’t I loss too much already?
Why tease me only to break my heart into a million little pieces?
Why was my husband so awful and will I ever recover?
When will people stop dying or leaving me?
When will I be able to receive comfort without having to give up something in return?
How long can I go on speaking the words, that You are always there without questioning them myself?
Why did you build me up to tear me down?
Where is this peace You speak of?
Why don’t I have it? Why won’t you at least let sleep come at night?
Why do things change?
Why won’t it stop hurting?
Why can’t you just listen?
Why can’t you throw me a bone?
Will you come meet me in this precipice of life and death?
What did a 7 year old kid do to deserve that kind of abuse? Why didn’t you stop it?
Where were you with every punch for 12 years?
And why, why, won’t you let me just go? Your hold on me makes me miserable. It makes me mad that I can’t just go live my life and put this behind me.
What have I done, O, God, what have I done? Why are You silent?
Nothing can separate me from You, so why do I feel so lonely?
Lord, I feel like she just left me and he just hit me. All I want to do is sleep. I want the pain to go away. I do not know how to deal with this pain. And frankly, I am a little mad at you. I flip through Your Word looking for something to help, and it’s hard to believe it; it’s hard to find it; it’s hard to believe in the unseen. I have never blamed you for the things that happened, but I am confused why You are silent now?
At the end of the day, I do want what you want, but Lord, this is a desert place. I am at a cross roads, either with a choice to completely surrender to You or to abandon You, meaning that I would abandon everything I have ever learned, believed or taught about You. The fact that I feel this way about You right now terrifies me.
Please show up in a way that we humans deem miraculous when in fact, all you have to do is wave Your hand. Please wave your hand, Lord. Please heal me.
Very much like the doctor in the healing pool—I want to know why You haven’t healed. And then I got it. My power is in my wounds.
I do not pretend to understand You. I desire to understand You, but I don’t really know how to do that.
Lord, I don’t know how to surrender. Take this from me, please? Erase painful memories. Please teach me how to make You my everything. Please teach me the concept of constant abiding. Please write Your name on my heart so when the doubt comes back, it is branded; branded with my God who is more than enough.
Thank you for Your word. And even though I don’t understand You, I know You showed up here with me today.
Father, I pray that you would be my dad. I pray that You would speak. I pray that You would comfort me. I pray that You would heal me. I pray that nothing else in life would matter. I pray that I would live with reckless abandonment. I pray that I would live this way BECAUSE I don’t understand You. You are my King, You are my only hope. I beg that you come hold me, Lord. And that nothing else would matter.
Forgive my anger. I sure don’t understand any of this and for the first time ever am willing to admit that. But no matter what, I always come back to the same thing, You. I just don’t always know what to do with that. I am not used to anything or anybody sticking around. If you do not choose to heal, I ask that there would be power in my wounds.
Listen to this episode in it’s entirety on the podcast where you can find here. Do we even want to get well? Listen to the rest of the story, and how my choice to pursue healing changed everything.
Wednesdays With Watson is a passion project but I will spend the rest of my life giving you Hope. There is a lot of it waiting for you in podcast land!